COLONOSCOPY AND SPIRITUALITY

I had a colonoscopy at the beginning of the Advent season, and for those of you who have been blessed with that experience know that it is not the procedure that is the trial as much as it is “the season of preparation”.  While the preparation time lasted around 18 hours in total, it seemed like a long time.  It is literally an emptying of the body, or at least the entire gastrointestinal system, so that the doctor doing the procedure can see clearly.

Since it’s been over—it was clear, so I don’t need another for 10 years—I have thought a lot about how hard it is been for me to do a similar emptying emotionally and spiritually.  My mind has been very cluttered and distracted for weeks, and on many days, my spirit has been more frantic than peaceful.  Even though the poems and scriptures I use during this time speak to me about letting go, and even though the darkness of the days in Minnesota during December invites surrender, it has been particularly hard for me to do so this year.

About a week or so ago, I asked—maybe out loud—“why is it so hard to be emptied spiritually when it was so easy to do so physically?”  And then I began to think about how easy it really was or wasn’t to go through the physical emptying.  And I had to conclude—it wasn’t all that easy!  I had to drink copious quantities of a mix (I’ll spare the details) that wasn’t pleasant, and then wait for it to do its work.  It meant feeling gross and disgusting.  It meant realizing over and over that “no, that was not the end of it” and “no, we haven’t arrived at the goal of complete emptying yet.” What made the ordeal possible in part was that I knew that it would be eventually over, and I knew it would be demanding, so I didn’t schedule anything else during those hours.  And I trusted that the health workers had my best interests at heart.

So how might that apply to my spiritual emptying?  I sure haven’t trimmed down my schedule—if anything it has been busier than ever, with eight productions of La Natividad, and extra activities at home and at work.  Even when I sat in the morning in darkness and tried to read or pray, my mind was often racing to what I needed to get done that day.  Even “getting in” my daily prayer and meditation began to feel like a chore—one more thing I had to get done.

What if I had decided that instead of a little input of the spirit each morning, I needed copious amounts, even to feeling over full?  What if paid attention to what was coming out of me, as much as I did when the colonoscopy prep happened?  I would have noticed more my resentment, anxiety and fear, for sure.  Perhaps even some self-judgment about my worth as a person and a spiritual leader.  I flushed my physical wastes down the toilet; but I’m not sure where my emotional and spiritual wastes have gone.  Maybe they haven’t left me, but are just hovering near me, waiting to get back inside.

Of course, spiritual cleansing is never over, unlike the short period of physical cleansing before a colonoscopy.  I’m never going to “be done with it.”  But if anything this Advent has taught me, it is that I need to trust more the healer who is bidding me do the cleansing, and to let go without worry, and without shame.  I will try to keep aware of that for the next ten years at least.

Be justice

Be beauty

Be empty

Patrick